TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for historic society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be incredible. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. A number of the ideal. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully away from put. Developed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Certainly, certain, let's have A different place where by American Adult men can dress in robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While past negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: supply All people a collection on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is delicate energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It is not that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he really should end utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the challenge, replied, "You recognize, gentleman, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Great tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head visible from Place, a attribute being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after locating the making's gold plating mirrored a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not only unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Features


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium wherever visitors may ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, total with climate Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Area Syrians are unsure what for making of this. Trump Tower Damascus "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Tactic: "If You Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The ad campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Eternally."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "wherever's the nearest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is already attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll obtain 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree can even consist of:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to discover a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge the place my PTSD can have change-down service."


A further article from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Views from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide shaped just like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You're welcome."

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